Much has been made recently about the dangers of helicopter parenting. When well-intentioned parents seek to control students’ choices and paths through life, what is the impact? Does overly strong parent involvement in their lives, actually add to youth stress and potentially compromise their ability to grow into resilient adults? These are the issues that concern Dr. Alicia Farrell, a cognitive behavior psychologist, in her local and national work with youth, parents, and families.

“One of my passions is working with families and parents because of the effects of helicopter parenting on our children’s social, emotional, and intellectual development,” says Alicia, an Old Saybrook resident of 13 years. “It’s a crisis.

“Everything that kids do is adult-orchestrated. They are not being allowed to think or do for themselves and not being allowed to fail. As a result, they don’t know who they are and don’t have the grit and resilience to transition into adulthood and face its challenges,” she continues.

She cites worrisome statistics from a 2013 American College Health Association survey of 100,000 college students on 153 different campuses. When asked about their mental health over the previous 12 months, 60.5 percent of the students said they felt very sad, 57 percent said they felt very lonely, 51.3 percent said they felt overwhelming anxiety, and 46.5 percent felt things were hopeless.

Of even greater concern, 31.8 percent of the surveyed students said they felt so depressed it was hard to function and 6.5 percent had intentionally cut or otherwise injured themselves, while eight percent said they had seriously considered suicide.

To fix this, she believes that from the time children are born, parents need to allow them to make mistakes and learn how to deal with failure and bumps in the road.

Her prescription?

“Don’t do for your kids what they can already do for themselves. And that starts at birth. Don’t do for your children what they can almost do for themselves—make sure you’re challenging them. And don’t parent your children based on your own ego and fears,” Alicia says.

“Parents are afraid that unless they guide the entire process, their child won’t get into the right college or the right job,” she says. “We’re convincing our children that that’s all they need to do [to succeed]. So when they struggle, they don’t know what to do or how to manage it.”

And when students are stressed, when they’re overwhelmed because they can’t get everything done or meet everyone’s expectations, that’s when they turn to substance abuse. At a recent community conversation at The Kate, a panel of 10 local students spoke about stress and anxiety and how many students turn to substance abuse as a way to get relief from the stress in their lives.

Alicia says their frank and open comments surprised her but also confirmed for her what she has seen in her private practice and read in research.

“The kids were open, honest, bright, and accomplished and clearly capable, yet they expressed concerns about stress and anxiety,” Alicia recalls.

“The dilemma parents face is how to let go without losing control. The answer is different at each stage of a child’s development. We have to pay attention to when we can let go so we can help them build the self-esteem and resilience that will carry them through life,” says Alicia. “One of my goals is to be part of the shift in perspective about parenting. We as parents have to push the change.”

Today, Alicia’s career includes leading local and national workshops on these topics while also maintaining her own private practice in cognitive behavioral therapy.

Before moving to Old Saybrook, Alicia taught for nine years at George Mason University on topics like memory and cognition and lifespan and developmental psychology. Among her published research was work on topics like expert problem-solving and decision-making—but all of this was in her second career.

Her first career, before going to school to earn a PhD in psychology, was 10 years spent in high technology in the arena of public administration and journalism. What may seem to some as a dramatic shift is normal for Alicia.

“My father was an admiral and I grew up as a Navy brat, moving 12 times in 17 years. I lived all over the world—my dad was an international public relations guy,” says Alicia. “It was really difficult and sometimes awful to be wrenched away so often. But I learned to stand on my own two feet and survive, to build resilience.”

Her favorite posting was in Naples, Italy. When the family arrived, they didn’t yet have housing and had to live in a hotel. With no kitchen—and to keep expenses low—her mom used a clothes iron and a paper bag to make grilled cheese sandwiches for the kids. She would put the bread with cheese in the middle inside the paper bag, iron one side to melt the cheese, turn the bag over, and melt cheese on other side.

“In the military, it is the family that serves, not just the individual. It took me 10 years to adjust to civilian life in early adulthood,” says Alicia. “Every two years, a bell would go off and it was time for a change. So every two years I would change my house, decorations, furniture. I had to have newness. That went on for 20 years.

“I’ve been through hard knocks and I believe in people’s fortitude. I know they have it,” says Alicia.