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12/08/2021 06:00 AMJoanne Baker Deal’s normal holiday routine includes family, festive food, and long-standing traditions.
And this year, the Connecticut River valley resident found herself mourning the death of one family member, spending time with another family member who is dying, and helping yet another family member who is moving from California to Connecticut, a process that involved making difficult choices about several decades worth of objects full of memories.
Needless to say, that also meant making choices about what she would and could do, and what she had to set aside this holiday season. Deal, who is a certified counseling specialist with a practice in Guilford and also the lead facilitator for the GriefShare Ministry at Christ Chapel in Madison, says her experience has reinforced for her the importance of acknowledging that the holidays, as lovely as they can seem on commercials and Facebook posts, can also be enormously stressful and sad times of year for those who are grieving, particularly as we all continue to slog our way through the maybe-it’s-almost-over, no-it’s-not pandemic.
She wanted to offer tips both for those who are dealing with grief, and for those who have someone in their life who is. And, she says, if there’s anything the ongoing pandemic has done, it has for many people raised awareness about the ubiquity of grief and the need for all of us to respect the process of grieving. She also wanted to let those who are struggling to know there will be several classes offered just after the new year for those who want support and company as they deal with bereavement and loss. (Details about those classes are listed at the bottom of this story.)
“The holidays can be hard,” she says. “Fortunately there are plenty of good resources, including here on the shoreline. In general, our culture has become much more aware and sensitized to the fact that there are many who have mental health struggles. And it’s OK. It’s not such a horrible thing to admit to. It’s not something you have to hide in a closet.”
Grief as a Normal Response
An article from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reinforces the idea that the pandemic has increased the number of people suffering from grief. In addition to those who lost loved ones and family members, the article notes “grief is a normal response to loss during or after a disaster or other traumatic event,” including unemployment or underemployment, not making enough money, the loss or reduction of support services, and other lifestyle changes.
During the holidays, the gulf between holiday merriment and the feelings of those dealing with grief can be vast, making the holidays feel unbearable and overwhelming.
For some people, talking with other people who have experienced loss in the past and who have navigated the holidays without their loved ones can help, and that’s where programs like GriefShare can help.
Another piece of advice she has is to consider creating a holiday plan, one that addresses “traditions, meals, time spent with others, holiday decorating, gift-giving, and commitments.” She says it’s fine to admit you might not do as much as you have in the past.
“Decide ahead of time which invitations you’ll accept, and let the host or family member know that you might leave early. COVID-19-related restrictions on group gatherings may also mean fewer invitations,” she says.
When it comes to decorating, consider getting a smaller tree, and consider baking less or forgoing it altogether. Opt for simpler ornaments.
“Make a list of every holiday tradition you can think of, from music to presents to foods to outings,” Deal says. “Then decide which traditions will be too difficult without your deceased loved one, which traditions you’d like to maintain, and what new traditions you can start this year.”
Be Specific with Friends and Family
Deal also recommends, when possible, to be specific when it comes to communicating with family and friends about your grief, and your ability to participate in festivities and gatherings. She says don’t be tempted to just say that everything’s fine and then pretend it is. She knows people who have tried that and found it was a heavier burden than they anticipated.
Instead, consider writing a grief letter, Deal says.
“Maybe you write different letters to different people in your life. You might have one for the people at your workplace, and another for your family and friends. You could tell people what you need right now. Maybe it’s just to bring over a meal and eat with you. Or maybe it’s, ‘I don’t need a lot of interaction, but call or text before coming over to see if it’s a good time.’ And let them know that you might be OK for five minutes or maybe an hour, but either way, ‘It’s not you, it’s me.’”
Parents who are grieving might ask those who are close to them to take the kids out for lunch sometime or ask for help with house work or yard work if it feels like too much to handle.
The goal of communicating directly about your needs, and the state of your grief, is in part to head off admonitions to “cheer up” and “just have fun,” she says, “when that’s the last thing you want to do.” Family members sometimes, in a misguided effort to help, can sometimes provide advice that is hurtful or wrong.
“All of these people likely mean well, but will only end up hurting you if you don’t communicate what you truly need from them,” she says. “If you don’t have the energy or inclination to talk to people face-to-face, then write your thoughts, concerns, and needs in a letter or email. What’s important is that you are being honest and gracious in your communication.”
It’s OK to Ask
For those who have someone in their life who is grieving, it can help to ask if it’s OK to talk about it. Deal says people sometimes assume those who are widowed don’t want to talk about their deceased spouse, when in fact they might want to talk about and hear stories about that person.
“Be honest with the people you are getting together with,” says Deal. “Maybe you just need to cry together.”
Deal admits this straightforward approach can be hard, particularly if you’ve had a complicated or conflicted relationship with the deceased, or with others in your family.
“In reality, we all have issues with some of our relationships, but it can still be important to hear that they are missing that family member, too,” Deal says.
It is OK to mention the deceased’s name, she says—”Sometimes at that first family gathering, no one mentions the loved one’s name.”
The person who is grieving could consider handling it by bringing a large candle to a gathering, and say that you are going to light the candle and put it on the mantle or table as a reminder that the spirit of the person lives on, says Deal.
“That invites people to talk about that person,” she says.
She knows of one family that had an elderly mother who loved Scrabble. So after she died, the family had a big Scrabble competition “just to remember her and provide an opportunity to talk about her. Talking about those memories are so important. That also forges new bonds and strengthens existing bonds.”
Habits Can Help
Deal says science suggests that adhering to certain habits can help those who are grieving—adequate sleep; eating healthy foods, including high protein meals and lots of produce; getting outside to walk and get some fresh air. And humor is an important part of the program, she says.
“Studies say that humor can be something of an antidote to depression,” she says.
A 2016 article in the American Journal of Lifestyle Medicine says that spontaneous laughter can lead to decreases in cortisol, increases in natural killer cell levels (which is a good thing for the immune system), increases in epinephrine and norepinephrine, and increased levels of pain tolerance. While the article also cautions that a degree of skepticism is required because the studies are small and often not replicated, that the findings are promising enough to show potential for future research.
In the meantime, Deal says, it’s just a good idea to spend about 30 minutes a day with something that makes you laugh. Maybe it’s Erma Bombeck or the Three Stooges or a funny movie on Netflix.
“It’s a very individual thing, very cultural, too. Whatever it is that makes you laugh” is what’s needed,” she says.
The Role of Doctors, Antidepressants
Deal adds that for some people, these steps will not be enough to counteract depression and for those people, talking with a doctor about the possibility of antidepressants or therapy, or both, can be a good idea. And if the first antidepressant you try doesn’t work, or has side effects you don’t like, get off of it with the help of your doctor and, following the doctor’s advice, try another.
“You need to have something that will work long term,” she says.
Likewise, it can sometimes take more than one introductory interview with a therapist before you find a good fit.
She adds that her advice, and the GriefShare program, are for those struggling with grief and depression, rather than those who are in crisis.
“For a grieving adult to feel or say, ‘It’s okay if I don’t wake up in the morning. I feel like my purpose for living is done’...an expression of feeling a lack of purpose or connection with others, focused on the loss of that loved one—that is not suicidal thinking, or suicidal ideation, the term used in behavioral health fields,” she says. “On the other hand, if the individual begins to develop a plan and to collect the means for carrying out that plan, this behavior is reflecting suicidal thinking, and that individual needs immediate professional help.”
In that case, someone wishing to help that person should help connect that person with professional help. Resources for that include the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org, 1-800-273-TALK (8255) for English, 1-888-628-9454 for Spanish, or Lifeline Crisis Chat www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifeLineChat.aspx.
Deal adds, “if we didn’t love, we wouldn’t grieve,” and that even that simple thought could remind the grieving person that what they are going through is a normal part of being part of a relationship or family.
“Your holiday season won’t be easy; your emotions may ambush you and suck you under at times,” says Deal. “But you can choose to walk through this season in a way that honors your loved one and puts you on the path of health and healing.”
To learn more about GwriefShare, contact Joanne Deal at 860-304-5695 or joannebakerdeal@gmail.com. To learn about other GriefShare programs in Connecticut, visit /www.griefshare.org/countries/us/states/ct.
Christ Chapel, 1185 Durham Road, Madison will host GriefShare: Loss of a Spouse, a 2-hour stand-alone program, on Monday, Jan. 2, from 6:15 to 8:15 p.m. The cost of the program is $5 plus shipping for the workbook which can be ordered directly from the griefshare.org website.
On the following evening, Tuesday, Jan. 3, Deal will begin the 13-week GriefShare bereavement support program, from 6:30 to 8:15 p.m. The cost for this program is $15 plus shipping for the workbook, which can be ordered directly from GriefShare.
Interested individuals can go to the GriefShare.org website for more information or to register for either program.